13

It Hurts 13 (#1), 5 x 2.5 x 2 inches, wood, needles, copper, 2014

Uncertain 13 (#2), 12 x 3.5 inches, fabric, copper, 2014

During the past 2 months I have been seeing a therapist for the first time in my life.  I say this because I do not feel it is something to be ashamed of, but instead something to be proud of.  It took me a long time to finally decide to do it because I believed I could change my dysfunctional behaviors on my own.  And I thought it was embarrassing to ask for help from others.  But I have learned that is is almost impossible for anyone to make such big changes without help.

In this short amount of time I have discovered that their are 5 major symptoms I have been battling with all my life that cause me to behave in ways I don't actually want to behave.  I'm a control freak, a perfectionist, dependent/anti-dependent, overly vulnerable and have very low self-esteem.  

As scary as it has been to face these issues, it has helped me to start seeing them in my actions and thoughts.  I have been challenging myself in many ways but also keeping in mind not to be too hard on myself either.  I am now aware of when I am acting these out (and why) and sometimes I can avoid them, stop them, or at least apologize to myself or others when I have acted them out.

I want to let go of even the little things that hold me back like numbers for instance.  I'd never do anything 13 times and I most certainly would never create an even number of pieces because I'd heard when I was little that odd numbers of things are better.  That may seem silly but it's the build up of these little things that I hold on to that become something much bigger to deal with.  So I am making 8 pieces, each with 13 objects.  As I begin to change the little things, I can start to change the bigger ones.